I need to stop coming to work sober
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
