Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens