you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
