hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
