I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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