I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
