o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
