Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
