it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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