I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
