My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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