My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
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I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.