Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
