She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
