I will die if light touches me.
Just cropdusted the office
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
