if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
