You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
