I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
