You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
