Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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