Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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