Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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