I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
