i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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