I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
