Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
