too bad you live with your parents still
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
