Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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