Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
