You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i now understand why vodka
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