There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
