Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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