I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
