Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
