If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
