I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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