I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
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We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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