If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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