Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
