Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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