Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
