You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
