if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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