Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
