Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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