i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
