I wish I could punch you in the face.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
