Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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