my phone needs a breathalizer
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
