I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Even my vagina gasped.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
