i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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