yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
