your parents love me but you hate me
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
