I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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I think we need to teach you what straight means again
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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