I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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