I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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