I want to have your abortion
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
