Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
