I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
